All i have to do is dream

You know what I hate, that absolutely horrible feeling you get somewhere in between being asleep and awake,that feeling of knowing you are on the abis of total awareness,inturn ruining perhaps the most amazing dream ever. You know the dream Im talking about, the one where everything is perfect and all is good in the world, it paints a picture of your future self having everything you have ever hoped for and more than you could have ever expected! you know the amazing dream job and someone in your life who you actualy can tell loves you and cares about you!! and for that moment everything is perfect until you reach that abis and realize there is nothing you can do,and that being fully alert is just around the corner. So then you wake up only to realize that everything is back to normal suddenly perfect is gone and boring and sad come back into the picture. You know everyone assures me that there is someone out there for everyone but I dont know if I believe that, for me its really hard picturing myself with someone who really cares about me or loves me. Because I have come to discover that in my life I tend to love people with everything I have and all that has managed to do is leave me heartbroken because they dont do the same for me, so the idea of someone finally feeling and doing the same for me seems a little bit to good to be true. But im hoping im wrong im praying that I will meet someone who cares for me like i care for him. Then maybe that amazing dream I keep having will be my reality,oh I can only hope. But until that day comes Im gonna keep dreaming!!!

Bored to tears

so Im pretty sure today wins the award for the most boring day of my life, I have no one to talk to and no one to do anything with!!! I cant seem to escape that horrible feeling of being alone,and maybe that ties in with the boredom. You know that dumb expression that always seems to over dramatic to EVER be true, that one where someone describes themselves as being "bored to tears". Well for the first time in my life I can say that,that statement in NO way seems to be the least bit over dramatic. At least for today. You ever wish you could escape that feeling of being totaly empty inside? That stinging sensation in your heart that just wont go away, I guess being bored causes you to overthink,or maybe bring up some old feelings you have stored away or attempted to cover up for awhile. When your reallyyyyyyyy bored it feels like every feeling or thought you have ever had suddenly pops up in your head,like your mind is making some attempt to keep you busy. Well no offence to my brain but I would rather not be reminded of those things I have purposely stored away! Because it would be so amazing for once in my life to go an entire day without worrying about things or feeling sad/upset. Is it so wrong to want to feel good and happy for one day! I dont know at this point its starting to feel like something that I will never be able to accomplish. So thank you boring day for bringing up all of this emotional crapy stuff!!!! Thanks a heap!

Sincerely
JH

The INEVITABLE change

so in about a month things in my life are going to change big time!!! not only will I be starting my senior year of highschool (which is already a freaky and big change in itself) but add onto that the fact that my best friend in the entire world is leaving for college. I have been preparing myself (or attempting to prepare myself) for the past two years,and i always knew in the back of my mind that i would have a hard time with it,well duhhhhhh he is my best friend of course its gonna be hard,but since the day of wreckening is within sight i have discovered how reallllllll this actualy is. No longer is this some far off thing in the distance,its almost in my grasp,and that fact is slapping me in the face even now. And even though i am telling myself it will be okay i cant even imagine life without my best friend to me it doesnt seem real or possible for that matter,to me this almost feels like a dream/nightmare that i will wake up from any second . But i know its not :(.So I guess the only thing i can do is enjoy the time I have left,make everyday count,and pray that when that dreaded day arrives I will have enough strength to endure the rough road ahead,because there is nothing i can do to stop this. Its INEVITABLE!!!!

Love always
JH

The blog

okay so first things first,I am not one of those people who is really serious about blogging, the main purpose of this blog is to help me cope with the huge changes that are about to accur in my life,in about a month my life is going to pretty much fall apart,and when that happens i will need some way to deal with everything and vent and the best solution to my problem at this point in time is a blog. I am the type of person who has to share her feelings somehow even if knowone is listening just letting things go out into the open seems to help. But if somone is listening just know that this blog will probably be the best form of insight to the typical american teenage girls life,and thats prolly the only thing you will ever get out of this. This blog is basicaly my online diary an account of my daily life.

love always
JH